Sometimes, when I’m watching a “comedy” that doesn’t make me laugh in its first 10 or 15 minutes, I like to play a “game”. This game is counterproductive to my enjoyment of the movie, but let’s face it: I wasn’t enjoying the comedy to begin with.

Anyway, the “game” is this: I try to see how long I can go without letting out a laugh. Guess what? I “beat” Pixels! I didn’t laugh once!

There’s so very little to find enjoyable about Pixels, but let me try. Enough people have already torn it to shreds in every corner of the internet. Instead of adding to that pile, let’s just go through the positives.

  • Josh Gad is pretty enjoyable. I’ve never been a huge fan of his, but he’s trying the hardest here, and making the most with the least of anyone on screen. He deserves better than this.
  • The special effects during the big action sequences are pretty cool. The best parts of the Pac-Man chase have all been included in every trailer, but there’s a battle between the characters and Centipede that’s actually pretty cool.
  • Ashley Benson shows up at the end, and she’s very pretty. She’s literally an object, though, and treated as such. That seems fitting in a Sandler production.

That’s about it? I have a nostalgia for old video games that is waiting to be scratched. Wreck-It Ralph absolutely nailed the mark, and was every bit of a hit as Pixels is of a miss. Pander to me, Hollywood! Show me the video game characters I loved when I was growing up! Don’t amass them all in a swarm of CGI that’s too dense to distinguish one from another. Embrace your heritage. Don’t give me this schlock.

Pixels is not worth your time.